FINDING THE KNIGHT.

I’m neither kidding nor am I quoting Miss.Fantastic or Miss.Plastic.

I sit here in the smoggy corridors of Miranda House,overlooking the tennis court while these thoughts lace themselves up and sprint across my mind.

There’s an occasional clatter of the workers dragging paraphernalia along the corridor on the carts,constantly perturbing the stillness I try forging in my mind despite the noise of Societies rehearsing,ravens cawing in the distance and my own premonitions making crass noises in my head.

It’s been some time since I set foot in the campus of this very archaic and brilliant college called Miranda House.

I’m more buoyant and spontaneous than I was before…But a major reason for all of that is my constant struggle to break across these rusty fetters that tie me down,mostly succumbing in the process.

I listen to more music than I ever did before,I write a little less,talk a little less,Facebook a little less and Instagram a lot more.

Most nights are cold. I don’t feel my legs anymore.There’s so much of walking to do that I’ve stopped caring about the distance. Even when I have a test in a few days,I don’t bother myself any more than prepping up in whatever way I can. I see endless texts on my phone and yet I see myself wincing away from people I thought I could talk to everyday….Not that it is all decided by me. Sometimes it’s the other way round-when people also make amends in their priority

lists.I can’t blame them for that. I did the same thing for myself-reshuffled papers,stacked away old files in dusty cabinets that I decided to never open again,blotted names off my journal,tossed tattered pieces of poetry in the air and never bothered looking back while they slowly fell,drowsy and numb into a careless heap of neglected literature that I oft dedicated to causes I now consider lost. But that is how life is-You don’t see for yourself how you need to let go of some things in life.

My mirror talks to me in parts-my hands that traced letters on love poems that now trace assignments and crammy readers in the library.

My heart that throbbed and ebbed for another that is now barely even responding to my own inhibitions .

My eyes that shone at the sight of chocolates that now dart into the distance listlessly like dry leaves twirling in the chilly Delhi winds.

What is my place in the world? I ask myself when I wake up and trudge mechanically to class with my sleepy morning face.

What am I here for?

I question the pleaser in me,the friend in me,the debater in me,the poet in me,the daughter in me,the woman in me,the student in me,the resident in me,the devotee in me,the lovesick gorilla in me,the glitter et ribbon fanatic in me,the chocoholic in me,the cynophile in me,the human in me…

With each fathom that I try to delve into,I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into an irretrievable abyss of reason that surpasses my ability to explain to another.

My dreams,I believe,are symbolic.I share them with my kith and kin,not for the want of attention but for the reason that beckons me-perhaps my experience needs to be shared.

Last night,for instance, I distinctly remember the unearthly being that I saw. Despite what others tell me,I cannot un-see it. It was almost as if a being from the other side was being let in into my chain of thoughts,into my private sphere of dreams. I saw how the being vibrated,how it shook like a tree trying to battle the storm-the feral ,animal-like eyes,parched lips,pale face and grotesque body-a face that not even a mother would love. I saw the fear in me when the being awoke and almost instantly,there was an unknown yet familiar voice that said “Ma” and dragged me out of the dream while I sprang up involuntarily and sat up in my bed. The next thing I see is the dreamcatcher on my bedside and Krishna’s picture glowing in the soft fairy lights.

I cannot explain what I saw,but it was a struggle. A battle if I may say.

I would never want to see a similar dream again.

These few days that I’ve been here have changed me in the manner that I see and perceive things.

I am somebody who would kill for another-I defend the things I love fiercely-be it my family,my pets,my friends or my time.

Sometimes when I see that I am investing my love in something that doesn’t share my affections,it shakes me up…Because intrinsically, I’m somebody who’s the least complicated person on earth and in the process,I end up doing myself more harm than others who toy with my niceness.

What I’ve learnt from my experience is to let go. I haven’t mastered it yet but I’m well-armed!!-with glitter paper,glowing stickers,unicorns,rainbows and beautiful ribbons!!

I’ll invite you all over for revelries when I do emerge victorious in this eternal battle of unearthing and discovering myself… Or well,maybe it’ll be the other way round. 🙂

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2 thoughts on “

  1. This is the most apt wording of feelings all of us have been going through lately. I see the helplessness you feel but I also see the fierce lioness inside of you, ready to take up this challenge called ‘change’ head on.
    With you, for you, always! :*

  2. Life in college for some of us emerges as the most strenuous struggle we have had. Especially if you give it your all. If you keep trying to pursue all things close to your heart. And more often than not you feel lost, like living the life of another strange being. But like you said one probably needs to let go and go with the flow. Very often it will all make sense in retrospect. In times when you were lost you were probably rediscovering your own self. Evolving in ways more than one.

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