Eighteen years back,there was a thunderous clap that had jolted my insides. My eyes had gaped at Nature’s wrath that consumed everything along the way.
Since then,eighteen years have passed by. I still feel the jitters when I look at the sky washed with rain and the drama that the lighting paints on it.
Twelve years ago,we took a bridge in an adventure park. It creaked a little and I saw the vastness of the waterbody under it. Twelve years have since passed. I still shudder at the thought of bridges.
I was ten when I had to swallow the biggest pill I had ever seen owing to some illness. I thought I would choke on it and die. Since then,I still pray each time I have to pop a big tablet.
The swirling mass of the water in the beaches has always looked beautiful in pictures. I was nine when I was first sent for swimming classes. I learnt how to paddle,how to hold my breath under water but when it came to venturing into the deeper end,my limbs failed me. I’ve tried to learn five times. But it just wouldn’t happen.
Since then,I’ve always feared water and it’s ability to consume people arbitrarily.
As my eyes get misty at the thought of how timid I had been rendered,I think of all the things I’m not afraid of. I’m not afraid of big,formidable dogs. Infact I don’t even see them as formidable.
I love them.
I’m not afraid of addressing an unfamiliar audience.
I’m not afraid of dancing or drawing despite the fact that I’m no good at it.
I’m not afraid of love.
Or so I used to believe.
Until you came along. Like a bolt of lightning,a creaky old bridge,a giant bomb of a pill,a depthless pool,consuming me,tearing at my beliefs like the tinselled glitter paper of a Christmas gift under a tree,prodding into my heart with your ridiculously gorgeous smile. I inscribed you on the pages of my textbook,the walls of my desktop,in my poetry and in my heart.
I always believed that you saw me in a light that nobody else did.
You didn’t seem to see me as a sexual creature. You seemed to appreciate me for my abilities,for my gullibility and my beliefs. You didn’t seem to chide me for my parts.
And so,slowly and slowly,as if in a dream,I fell for you.
I fell for you in a way no woman could ever fall for a man.
I never told you so. You were always great at pretence.
This is something I learnt lately.
My mother would always tell me how it was bad to be naive and vulnerable. But I’ve never known better. I was born this way and it’s a Herculean task to change. I was so much like you and yet so different. Maybe if you hadn’t been such a good actor, I would have known better.
It’s been a while since I fell for you.
A rather long time.
I never believed in the healing power of time.
But now I do.
I do because I’ve suddenly found so many people open up to me and lend ears to listen and hands to hold.
I’m not alone and thus,I’m not afraid.
I’ll drown each time I push myself into the deeper end,but I won’t succumb to it. I’ll always emerge victorious.
In the end,I can only thank you for making me so brave.
Maybe you’ll find someone just like yourself,a fox tearing her clothes down for you.
I’d rather be human and move on.